And while I'm working on an archive of all of my posts, which may or may not ever live here, I figured it was time to compile the greatest geek jokes of all time.
DEMOGRAPHY JOKES, CENSUS JOKES
When my kid grows up, I want him to be a demographer.
It's a job he can count on.
I spent years trying to count the whole population in the US, but eventually I came to my census.
Doctor: You should have many healthy years ahead.
Life coach: Treat every day like it's your last.
Demographer: Your days are numbered.
Man 1, sitting on a porch, sees Man 2 walk up with a tote bag & tablet.
Man1 grumbles: What are you selling?
Man2: I'm not selling anything. I'm a census taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in the US.
Man1: Wastin' your time w me.
I have no idea
New research shows that birthday celebrations are associated with good health.
The more a person has, the longer they live.
Old demographers never die...
they just don't count anymore.
Growing up, it was always my childhood dream to study population dynamics...
...then I came to my census.
Monster, to roommate: This census form is asking "How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2020?"
What should we write?
Roommate: I don't know. We're monsters, not people. But definitely Count Dracula.
Woman: "Should I continue to have kids after 35?"
Me: "I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but 35 is a lot of kids."
Q: Why are demographers exhausted?
A: They're broken down by age and sex.
Demographer, to therapist: "I started to count every single person I saw, but eventually I lost my census."
2 mothers and 2 daughters sat down to breakfast. They had 3 cups of coffee. Each person had exactly 1 cup of coffee.
How is that possible?
Genealogists are sometimes confused, but eventually they come to their census.
Q: How do sociologists know what to drink at Cheers?
A: They follow Norm.
Being a demographer is probably bad for my health.
My days are numbered.
A demographer is just a mathematician broken down by age and sex.
If you live to be 100, you've got it made.
Very few people die past that age.
What always goes up, never goes down?
Your age.
PUBLIC HEALTH JOKES / EPIDEMIOLOGY JOKES
What do you call a public health pro with a huge social media following?
An influenzer.
Anti-vaxxers think most vaccines are in vein. But they're wrong. Most are intramuscular.
I want to make a #geekjoke about vaccines...
but don't think the people who need it would get it.
It's impossible to tell a good covid joke.
You have to wait two weeks to see if the audience got it.
Dr.: Last week we completed 12,000 covid tests, 5,000 were positive 7,000 were negative.
Administration: That's great news! We've cured this thing!
Dr.: ?
Admin: We have -2,000 cases now!
Patient: Will I survive the operation?
Doc: Yes, I’m sure.
Patient: How can you be sure?
Doc: The case fatality rate for this surgery is 90%. My other 9 patients died.
What’s the difference between an epidemiologist and a skin doctor?
One spends their career treating diseases of the epidermis. The other spends their career saying they’re not a skin doctor.
An infectious disease walks into a bar...
Bartender: We don't serve your kind here. Get out!
Disease: Well you're not a very good host!
DATA PRIVACY JOKES
I had a disclosure avoidance joke... but it's private.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Differential privacy.
Differential privacy who?
Algorithms prevent us from disclosing that information.
STATISTICS JOKES, RESEARCH JOKES
Statistician asked her kid if she's an above-average parent.
Kid said she's just mean.
In statistics, larger sample sizes tend to result in more reliable estimates of averages.
tl;dr: The Ns justify the means.
People call us stats nerds, but we're really sum of the least squares.
Best reason to become a statistician?
Deviation is considered normal.
What did the new statistics professor do when her lecture on analysis of variance flopped?
She went ova' ANOVA ANOVA it again!!!
College student discussing career options w a friend said "I should be a statistician instead of a race car driver. I'm better at fitting curves than driving them."
Person 1: There is no such thing as the digital divide!
Person 2: What makes you think that?!
Person 1: I read about a new web-based survey. 100% of respondents said they had access to the internet.
Person 2: ...
I was in a heated debate about how to accurately report ratios in a research brief.
Opinions were divided.
Two binomial random variables walked into a bar.
They talked very quietly because they were discrete.
Scene: Two friends talking at a bar.
Friend 1: You should get a divorce lawyer.
Friend 2: Why?!
Friend 1: I just read that 50% of people who get married wind up divorced. If you don't, your spouse will!
Mathematicians never get old, they just lose some of their functions.
The last few available graves in a cemetery are called residual plots.
Q: Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?
A: Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ation.
Why is it so hard to prove Santa is a myth?
Because there's not enough information to reject the Noël hypothesis.
Friend: I need dating advice... I've tried concerts, bars, book clubs--all with no luck. Where do I meet my soul mate?!
Statistician: P-hacking is the only way I've been able to find a significant other.
Statistics is more than just numbers. It offers important life lessons, like: the average person is just mean.
(Scene: Two neighbors having a chat)
Neighbor 1: How's your husband doing?
Neighbor 2, a statistician: That depends. What's the reference group?
Scene: (Job interview for a statistician)
Job Applicant (Eager to make a good impression): "I always give 110% to my work!"
Hiring Manager: "Get out."
Researcher 1: Shouldn't you be pooling across years to increase sample size?
Researcher 2 (glares from under fedora): No! This is small batch, artisanal data.
What's the best way to serve pi?
A la mode! Anything less is mean.
How many researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Reviewer 2 says you've framed the question incorrectly, haven't sufficiently covered the existing literature, and implies you should doubt your self worth.
Mean girls are really just average.
Politician: "If elected, I'll make sure everyone has an above-average income!"
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably.
Statistics... the only profession where you get paid to generate errors.
Math jokes are usually pretty formulaic, but occasionally a statistics joke is an outlier.
The problem with math jokes is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
MATH JOKES, TRIGONOMETRY JOKES
(scene: therapists office)
Therapist: So tell me why you're here?
New patient: I'm a math teacher. I have problems.
I have a math joke, but it’s just derivative.
I had a calculus joke, but I've since integrated it into a longer story.
Child to mom: Why do I need to learn calculus?
Mom: It's an integral part of your education.
Most on-brand RateMyProfessor comment:
This geometry class was awful. The lectures were long because the professor kept going on tangents.
A Roman walks into a bar...
Roman to Bartender: Can I have a martinus? Dry. Olive.
Bartender: You mean martini?
Roman: If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one.
A Roman walked into a bar, held up 2 fingers, and said
"Five beers, please."
My old prof released a set of supplementary notes on a book about differential calculus.
It was a derivative work.
What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 feet long?
A πthon
My pin?
The last 4 digits of Pi
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Me: I have more pumpkin Pi jokes!
Everyone: *rolls eyes* Oh gourd...
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
If you multiply Santa by i, does that make him real?
Not to brag, but even though this year has sucked, I have a date for New Year's Eve!
(It's December 31, 2020.)
What do trigonometry teachers do when it snows?
Make snow angles.
Student (to teacher): Who invented algebra?
Teacher: An x-pert.
Why did the mathematician refuse a glass of wine?
Because you can't drink and derive.
A mathematician, scientist, & teenager were asked to find the volume of a ball.
Mathematician calculated volume based on circumference.
Scientist submerged the ball in water and measured the displaced volume.
The teenager found the model number and looked it up online.
I had an argument with a 90-degree angle.
Turns out it was right.
Why are obtuse angles always frustrated?
Because they're never right.
True story: I hated geometry in high school.
My teacher kept going off on tangents.
What do you call someone who takes a long time to interpret the rate of change on a chart?
A slope-poke.
Why did the man buy 1 coffee on the first day, 2 on the second, 3 on the third...
He suffered from caffeine addition.
Pi to friend: "I don't know what's wrong. It seems like everyone avoids me. Am I being paranoid or is something wrong?"
Friend: "Well... I'm not sure how to say this delicately but since you asked: It can seem endless the way you go on... and on... and on..."
Bad math pickup line:
"Will you replace my eX without asking Y?"
2 mutually exclusive categories went on a date.
It didn't work out.
They had nothing in common.
What do you call dudes who stan math?
Algebros.
Why shouldn't you argue with a decimal?
Decimals always have a point.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
A Spanish-speaking magician told the audience she'd vanish on the count of 3.
Uno...
Dos...
**Poof. Gone!**
(She vanished without a tres...)
Home buyer: Why didn't you mention in the listing that there are 288 graves in the backyard?!?
Realtor: Because it's two gross.
Math Student 1: Hey, did you see the new assignment?
Math Student 2: Don't bother me, I've got my own problems.
Math teacher to class: What is a proof?
Student: 1/2 percent alcohol!
You know what seems odd to me?
Numbers that can’t be divided by 2.
Robber: Give me all your money or you're Math!
Bank teller: Don't you mean "or you're History?"
Robber: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
An economist thinks that her equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to her equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.
2 mutually exclusive categories went on a date.
It didn't work out.
They had nothing in common.
2 variables were dating, but they broke up.
They both wanted to be independent.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
She'll stop at nothing to avoid them...
I was having an enjoyable conversation at a trigonometry conference, but then someone went off on a tangent.
Parallel lines have so much in common... it's a shame they'll never meet.
Biologist, Demographer & Mathematician sit at a cafe. Across the street they see a man & a woman enter a building. Later people reappear with a 3rd person.
Biologist: They multiplied!
Demographer: Error in measurement!
Mathematician: If 1 person enters the building now, it will be empty again.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can't even...
Why are math books so depressing?
Because they're filled with problems.
To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
ECONOMICS JOKES
What do plumbers, sanitation workers, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
What’s the difference between a $20 bouquet of roses and a $100 bouquet of roses?
February 14th.
Best reason for studying economics? When you get drunk, you can say you're researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
Mathematician, statistician, & economist apply for a job.
Interviewer asks: What does 2+2 equal?
Math: 4. Exactly 4.
Stat: Without knowing sample size, I can't calculate MOE, but, on average, 4.
Economist: *locks door* "What do you want it to equal?"
How many neoclassical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're waiting, in the dark, for the market to fix the problem.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'll claim they need RCTs to prove causality before they can be sure bulb should be changed. (In the meantime, a sociologist changes the bulb.)
First Law of Economics:
For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
Engineer thinks equations approximate reality.
Physicist thinks reality is approximate to equations.
Economist doesn't care.
PROGRAMMING JOKES, COMPUTER SCIENCE JOKES
SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why are ghosts good at writing code?
They understand BOOlean logic.
Why did the skeleton ask the ghost for help with programming?
He was having trouble with BOOlean logic.
Why did the programmer change careers?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
I don't understand the debates about R versus python. They clearly have different strengths and weaknesses.
R can analyze tabular data and make visualizations.
Python can squish small animals and eat them.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions, but when I do, they're 2160p.
SAS is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget my password, my computer will remind me: "Your password is incorrect."
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
If at first you don’t succeed...
Call it version 1.0.
A machine learning algorithm walked into a bar.
Bartender asked: What would you like to drink?
Algorithm replied: What’s everyone else having?
DATA VISUALIZATION JOKES
Why did the data visualization expert start writing on the walls?
She was tired of tables.
Parent (angry): You shouldn't be teaching data visualization in 1st grade!
Teacher (confused): Why not? It's important for numeracy.
Parent: These kids are too young for something so graphic.
I made a chart of past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I can use almost any type of paper, but graph paper is where I draw the line.
I just saw my colleague with a piece of graph paper.
I think she must be plotting something.
CARTOGRAPHY JOKES / GEOGRAPHY JOKES
What do Beyoncé, Britney, and a map key all have in common?
They're legends.
I had a GIS joke. It's legend-ary.
What do a psychic and a cartographer have in common?
They both specialize in projections.
Farmer asked an engineer, a geographer, & a mathematician to fence of largest possible area w least amount of fence.
Economist made fence a circle & claimed most efficient design.
Geographer fenced off half of the Earth pole-to-pole.
Mathematician built tiny fence around self and said "I'm outside."
I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend.
When your code won't run, what can you still count on?
Your fingers.
Geology rocks but geography is where it's at.
We should add DC, Puerto Rico, and Guam so we can have 53 states. That's a prime number.
We can truly be one nation, indivisible.
OTHER ODDS AND ENDS
In my Zoom lecture the prof asked if anyone had any questions.
One student used the "Raise Hand" feature.
Prof calls on student and kid has the nerve to say
"Sorry. I was just stretching."
Imagine if Americans changed from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
At this point, I think I've run out of material. Every math pun I think up is just derivative, every programming joke is just BASIC, and my stats jokes are just average.
